Twelve kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy and you know what I did?
I can't remember this shit.
Who the fuck takes care of you then?
Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish but because my dad was a worthless coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe though.
I said I didn't bring it dipshit.
I'm healing up good, and they tell me that I will soon be 100% even with 8 bullets dug out of me because they didn't hig any vital organ, just my liver, which is fucked anyway.
Exploring a mountain, huh?
I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, alright?
Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, uh, as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody.
I don't want any fucking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?
I heard you. Fraggle stick car, fine.
Are you off your fucking meds or something?
Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
My fuck stick.
But you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out. So, I have to wear this fucking thing.
She got half of everything.
What the hell's wrong with you?
No, it was her sister.
You're gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
No. They kicked my ass.
Marcus, get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out.
You know why?
If you think you can make my fucking life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.
Ha ha ha
How long he's gonna be gone?
I'm on my fucking lunch break. Okay?
You want to see some magic. Here, let's watch you disappear.
For Christ's sake. Make a move and stick with it, would ya?
It's because he was a mean drunk son of a bitch and when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.
What about mommy?
Don't fuck with my beard.
Yeah, my dick. You want to see it?
Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?
I said next god damn it. This is not the DMV, alright.
Uh, things are all fucked up at the North Pole.
This is not the DMV, alright?
I'm out on my ass now.
Well, it was real, but you see I got sick and all the hair fell out. So I have to wear this fucking thing.
I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.
You see, Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister and, uh, I'm out on my ass now.
That what you're saying to me?
If I had known I was gonna have to put with a bunch of screaming brats pissing on my lap for thirty days out of a year, I'd have killed myself a long time ago... Come to think of it, I still might.
I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
You gotta learn to stand up for yourself.
So I'm gonna be staying here for a while.
You gotta take what you need when you can get it.
No. Thank the fuck christ.
What do you think I'm some kind of pervert or something?
I'm trying to fucking leave here.
You know, I think I've turned a corner today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something. I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Well, I'm very happy for you.
What do you want?
Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first.